Friday, December 26, 2008
H.P. Lovecraft
Love's a silly thing, ain't it?
If there's anything that can cause you to run the gamut of emotions, it's the state of love. Love isn't a feeling itself though, it is the catalyst of feeling. I've never been sadder in my life than when when I'm in love with someone. I've also never been happier. Love is the concentration of all of those feelings and moments of exaltation that we experience occasionally. It's that euphoric feeling that rushes over you when you look up (in a state of sobriety) and suddenly all the bad things don't matter and you may as well be giving God a friendly hug, hands open, not in fists like an uncomfortable hugger would do. Love feels like that so often because it is the recognition of the source. Love is finding the source of exaltation in physical form.
The problem is, once that source is realized, it's so easy to feel the opposite extreme. Only a slight miscommunication or non-communication mixed with the recent memory of that holy, friendly, hug of love can cause an extreme swing in emotion that could bring you to the lowest place you've been. These are both parts of love and you aren't in a state of loving if you haven't felt both.
The swings can be difficult to handle. Unfortunately, I love easily. And unfortunately, I don't unlove easy.I also love selfishly, in a way. I give all of myself to people even if sometimes they don't want it. Sometimes people don't want all of you. They may enjoy your company but love is a burden that people don't always want to carry around with them. For some reason I don't feel like a whole person unless I love another. There's so many times where I feel like I'm missing something that I need like food or my beloved coconut water and I don't know what to do. I want to carry someone's burden, even if it's heavy. I've been workin' out.
Sometimes it feels so close and so present. Perfectly comfortable. Even smiley. Then I don't even know. I wanna know.
Although this may seem negative, I wouldn't trade these feelings for the world. The highs and lows accentuate each other and it really takes so little to make me happy. Even a nice text message can make my day. I'm easy and hard a the same time. That makes me sound like a slut so it's really very funny how differently I mean it.
I just want it reciprocated some time. I don't like guessing and I don't like the chase (like I once thought I did and assumed it could be the only reason for what I was doing to myself (really, I'm just an idiot sometimes)). I'm old fashioned (in a way), idealistic, and I drink too much. It's not always a good mix. It'd be nice to be needed like I need others. To be needed honestly and even to be told when I'm not wanted. It hurts less than guessing.
I love to love and to be loved. It a beautiful thing. Without love there'd be no art, no happiness, and no sadness. I'm sure there'd still be plenty of children though.
If there's anything that can cause you to run the gamut of emotions, it's the state of love. Love isn't a feeling itself though, it is the catalyst of feeling. I've never been sadder in my life than when when I'm in love with someone. I've also never been happier. Love is the concentration of all of those feelings and moments of exaltation that we experience occasionally. It's that euphoric feeling that rushes over you when you look up (in a state of sobriety) and suddenly all the bad things don't matter and you may as well be giving God a friendly hug, hands open, not in fists like an uncomfortable hugger would do. Love feels like that so often because it is the recognition of the source. Love is finding the source of exaltation in physical form.
The problem is, once that source is realized, it's so easy to feel the opposite extreme. Only a slight miscommunication or non-communication mixed with the recent memory of that holy, friendly, hug of love can cause an extreme swing in emotion that could bring you to the lowest place you've been. These are both parts of love and you aren't in a state of loving if you haven't felt both.
The swings can be difficult to handle. Unfortunately, I love easily. And unfortunately, I don't unlove easy.I also love selfishly, in a way. I give all of myself to people even if sometimes they don't want it. Sometimes people don't want all of you. They may enjoy your company but love is a burden that people don't always want to carry around with them. For some reason I don't feel like a whole person unless I love another. There's so many times where I feel like I'm missing something that I need like food or my beloved coconut water and I don't know what to do. I want to carry someone's burden, even if it's heavy. I've been workin' out.
Sometimes it feels so close and so present. Perfectly comfortable. Even smiley. Then I don't even know. I wanna know.
Although this may seem negative, I wouldn't trade these feelings for the world. The highs and lows accentuate each other and it really takes so little to make me happy. Even a nice text message can make my day. I'm easy and hard a the same time. That makes me sound like a slut so it's really very funny how differently I mean it.
I just want it reciprocated some time. I don't like guessing and I don't like the chase (like I once thought I did and assumed it could be the only reason for what I was doing to myself (really, I'm just an idiot sometimes)). I'm old fashioned (in a way), idealistic, and I drink too much. It's not always a good mix. It'd be nice to be needed like I need others. To be needed honestly and even to be told when I'm not wanted. It hurts less than guessing.
I love to love and to be loved. It a beautiful thing. Without love there'd be no art, no happiness, and no sadness. I'm sure there'd still be plenty of children though.
Well Reading
Does being a well read person make you a smarter person? Does retaining the ideas of others make you any smarter or more knowledgeable (in case there's a difference) than a person who hasn't read quite as much as you?
Recently I've begun questioning the originality of my own thoughts and responses to things. It's nice to be able to apply the ideas and concepts that I've read in books to real life situations but does it really matter that I can? Am I just repeating what I read? Or have I actually formulate some kind of thoughtful conclusion on my own based on readings that I've don't that will actually help me in some way. Does originality of response have any impact on quality of life? If so, than a well read person really has a shitty life. I've read a lot and a lot of ideas that I have I can trace back to authors and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what I could possibly think of on my own. It's really not important to know that, I guess, but what would my response be in a situation where I would normally apply an author's thinking if I had not read it to begin with? What if my idea was more exciting but the fact that I read something that I deemed interesting or agreeable is simply keeping me from that excitement. I guess my question is: How much do we miss because of what we know?
For one thing we definitely miss out on the excitement of formulating ideas and concepts about life, love, and people because those are the themes of almost every book ever written in one way or another. We miss out on the excitement of creation (God's very own excitement) because we have read something else that applies. In this sense, ignorance is Godly.
What we do gain from reading is the wording of an idea for us. Perhaps we share the thought with the author but didn't realize it. The author simply words it for us convincingly and professionally. That's great I guess. But whose idea is it? Reading is the lazy man's thought process.
The more we read, the less we think for ourselves and the more our brains become filled with ideas that didn't originate there.
I don't know if that's bad or good or neither. It's just strange. It's especially strange that it's valued. A person is not educated unless they know other people's ideas. What if theirs were good anyway? I wanna hear 'em.
What's scary is that our lives become dictated by these ideas and concepts and theories that we read about. They become our personal philosophies. Agreement is not thought and it is never original. I guess what determines originality in this case (it would have to be measured in degrees since there could be no true original) is the ideas that have been selected for agreement. What books have you read? Freedom to choose the thoughts that you acquire is the only venue for originality in a well read person. It's sad because you can't go back to see what it's like without the books.
This is what a person thinks about when they have no real problems. My life's pretty good.
Recently I've begun questioning the originality of my own thoughts and responses to things. It's nice to be able to apply the ideas and concepts that I've read in books to real life situations but does it really matter that I can? Am I just repeating what I read? Or have I actually formulate some kind of thoughtful conclusion on my own based on readings that I've don't that will actually help me in some way. Does originality of response have any impact on quality of life? If so, than a well read person really has a shitty life. I've read a lot and a lot of ideas that I have I can trace back to authors and that makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what I could possibly think of on my own. It's really not important to know that, I guess, but what would my response be in a situation where I would normally apply an author's thinking if I had not read it to begin with? What if my idea was more exciting but the fact that I read something that I deemed interesting or agreeable is simply keeping me from that excitement. I guess my question is: How much do we miss because of what we know?
For one thing we definitely miss out on the excitement of formulating ideas and concepts about life, love, and people because those are the themes of almost every book ever written in one way or another. We miss out on the excitement of creation (God's very own excitement) because we have read something else that applies. In this sense, ignorance is Godly.
What we do gain from reading is the wording of an idea for us. Perhaps we share the thought with the author but didn't realize it. The author simply words it for us convincingly and professionally. That's great I guess. But whose idea is it? Reading is the lazy man's thought process.
The more we read, the less we think for ourselves and the more our brains become filled with ideas that didn't originate there.
I don't know if that's bad or good or neither. It's just strange. It's especially strange that it's valued. A person is not educated unless they know other people's ideas. What if theirs were good anyway? I wanna hear 'em.
What's scary is that our lives become dictated by these ideas and concepts and theories that we read about. They become our personal philosophies. Agreement is not thought and it is never original. I guess what determines originality in this case (it would have to be measured in degrees since there could be no true original) is the ideas that have been selected for agreement. What books have you read? Freedom to choose the thoughts that you acquire is the only venue for originality in a well read person. It's sad because you can't go back to see what it's like without the books.
This is what a person thinks about when they have no real problems. My life's pretty good.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Pandastand
Pandas do this thing where they do handstands and see which one of them can piss the highest up a tree. The higher they can piss, the more manly of a Panda they are.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
MIND-BREAK
I recently realized, or at least put into words, that my life is all about being physical and what I thought was distraction. I constantly need to be doing something or moving to be happy. My skateboard has always provided this opportunity for me. When I can't skate for a few days I tend to get anxious and sometimes just down feelin and blue. I used to just assume that it was because I was obsessed with skateboarding. It's not. It's because of what skateboarding does for my mind that I need it daily. It empties my mind. The physical nature of it fills the mind and removes you from what I thought of as life. The physical nature of skateboarding is a distraction from worries, anger, love-worries, stresses, deadlines, anxieties, and the like. It even removes you from the good things in your mind, but of course this is all very temporary as it is only while your skating that your mind is free.
A lot of things are like this but its not just the physical nature of it that does it. It needs to be spontaneous as well. Walks and bike rides force me into my head even further and it's where a lot of over thinking goes on. Alcohol works well as an expensive substitute as it tends to remove over-thinking tendencies and make a person more about the physical now. You may not remember the night but in a way thats a good sign. It was one hundo percento physical. Alcohol wears you out too quickly though so it's not a good source of this meditative emptiness beside the facct that emptiness is not meditative, it's just a numbness of the mind that intensifies the physical aspects of it.
If there's other people around then it's even better. Shared physicality makes the moment even more "now" and it's experienced for what is happening not for what is happening in our heads while its happening. The bodies save their minds while they share each other. I'm not just talking about sex either. A mutually desired hug or kiss is perfect and even a handshake, a conversation (talking's physical, ain't it?), or the holding of a lover or friends hand can bring about the mind-break. It's a nice and necessary vacation.
When I realized that I spend my whole life searching for ways to acquire this mind-break and in a sense, escape from life itself for a time, I became kind of depressed. Why is it that my life is all about avoiding itself? What's wrong with me that my life is like some evil thing that I have to hide from? Shouldn't I be embracing life and loving it? What's wrong?
I realized thought that this mind-break was not an escape from life - it was/is an intensification of a moment within your life. The moment becomes the sole and physical purpose. All that is removed is the memory of past experience and the hopes and anxieties of future ones. The physical and spontaneous nature of the act focuses you into the moment and lets you experience this time in your life more vividly and wonderfully and wholey. It's exciting and it's physical and it makes you feel free. It's a physical meditation and focus that brings you closer to life, it doesn't distract you from it like I thought. My skateboard is my everyday life intensifier. That sounds funny but laughing is good too.
A perfect day is just a hug and a kiss and a skateboard. Night time might require a bit more but it's as simple as that.
A lot of things are like this but its not just the physical nature of it that does it. It needs to be spontaneous as well. Walks and bike rides force me into my head even further and it's where a lot of over thinking goes on. Alcohol works well as an expensive substitute as it tends to remove over-thinking tendencies and make a person more about the physical now. You may not remember the night but in a way thats a good sign. It was one hundo percento physical. Alcohol wears you out too quickly though so it's not a good source of this meditative emptiness beside the facct that emptiness is not meditative, it's just a numbness of the mind that intensifies the physical aspects of it.
If there's other people around then it's even better. Shared physicality makes the moment even more "now" and it's experienced for what is happening not for what is happening in our heads while its happening. The bodies save their minds while they share each other. I'm not just talking about sex either. A mutually desired hug or kiss is perfect and even a handshake, a conversation (talking's physical, ain't it?), or the holding of a lover or friends hand can bring about the mind-break. It's a nice and necessary vacation.
When I realized that I spend my whole life searching for ways to acquire this mind-break and in a sense, escape from life itself for a time, I became kind of depressed. Why is it that my life is all about avoiding itself? What's wrong with me that my life is like some evil thing that I have to hide from? Shouldn't I be embracing life and loving it? What's wrong?
I realized thought that this mind-break was not an escape from life - it was/is an intensification of a moment within your life. The moment becomes the sole and physical purpose. All that is removed is the memory of past experience and the hopes and anxieties of future ones. The physical and spontaneous nature of the act focuses you into the moment and lets you experience this time in your life more vividly and wonderfully and wholey. It's exciting and it's physical and it makes you feel free. It's a physical meditation and focus that brings you closer to life, it doesn't distract you from it like I thought. My skateboard is my everyday life intensifier. That sounds funny but laughing is good too.
A perfect day is just a hug and a kiss and a skateboard. Night time might require a bit more but it's as simple as that.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Coffee Break
This was the graphic on the first skateboard I had. My mom got me it from a garage sale and I learned to stand up on it (kid shit yanana). My sister and my neighbor broke it tryin to launch each other into the air. They scotch taped it back together and hoped I wouldn't notice. I did. I miss it. But I love the scotch tape solution.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Immediacy
My dad sent me a picture message of a beautiful sunset and he told me he was going to write below it "you should paint this!" but he didn't because he knew my answer would be "why?"
He gets me.
Painting that beautiful sunset would just be a way to try and claim it for myself. It would be egotistical in a sense. I could never make that sunset as beautiful as it was because a painting of it isn't it. It's as simple as that. I can't preserve that image in paint and I can't make anybody who didn't see it understand it. Nobody can. This has been an issue that's really been frustrating me for a long time. I see it as paintings only inadequacy but if it isn't solved then I can see no reason to paint.
For a long time I painted made up figures or strange kinds of faces but, really, how long can you do that for? And why do it? Yeah, it's fun. But I realized that the process of making it was as far as my attachment to it went. I never had a problem giving away a painting and I gave tons away to friends just to make space. Then I saw the Chris Johanson show "totalities."
This show was honest. It was all from recycled wood from dumpsters with nothing of its past being attempted to be hidden. There was not one canvas in the show and there weren't even paintings on the walls. It was refreshing. These were paintings about experiencing life for what it is; not recreating an experience. The honesty spoke loudly about looking at what's there now and feeling a part of it. Be alive in it instead of constantly trying to remember what happened to you while you were trying to remember what happened before that. Remove distraction by being immediate.
This solved painting. Chris Johanson solved painting by being as simple as possible. "can you see my totality?" Yes and it's that simple. See what's there and stop wishing. Start loving. Fer reals.
Also, read Hakim Bey's "T.A.Z." It's free online but you can buy it too. I suggest you buy it. It's great.
I'm at one of my Home
This image is not from home. Home-a-hug is home! Rugs make it that way too.
I'm not sure where is home now. That's a good thing. I have a lot of them.
I'm not sure where is home now. That's a good thing. I have a lot of them.
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